Jay Knight Unscrewed Fad 3/10/23

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Sit there and then follow the stage if I don't do it when my heels are ready is this thing on? Okay, I'll just hit that note. So, I just surprised myself way too much, so I have a new theory about being the youngest child. Most of the people I know that are youngest children are like my parents' stroke of perfection. And then they reached me, and so they stopped trying. But I know better. My parents had four children, and I am the fourth. So, they didn't have perfection, they really screwed up. They got weird, and then they had me, and we're like, "This is a lot of work, maybe we should stop." And then they decided to have my sisters raise me.

Lessons (Not) Taught

My first time realizing this was when I was in kindergarten, and I got really, really excited because I came home and I was like, "Mom, guess what I've learned today!" And my mom looks at me, "What did you learn?" I learned how to tie my shoes!" And my mom just looks at me and goes, "Your sisters already taught you how to do that." No, no they did not. But it only got worse.

You see, moms are supposed to have a period talk with you, mine didn't. And I'm not talking about the 90s where your mom slid you a book and was like wink, wink, nudge, nudge, figure it out. I mean, there was nothing. I was 11 years old when I started my period on Halloween. So, I'm dressed up like Queen Amidala, suddenly thinking, "I am dying." It was not "Attack of the Clones," it was "Attack of the Hormones." Queen Amidala died in childbirth, but I can tell you, I was dying. But it wasn't because I was pregnant.

The Talk That Never Happened

Want one more? Got one more bad Star Wars period joke. I don't remember it though. It got worse, though. My mom, she sort of redeemed herself because four months later, she comes into my bedroom and I'm sitting on the floor. It was a cabinet under the stairs, and I had a bed and a floor, and that was about it. Listening to Panic at the Disco's "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out" album, and being 12 years old, I didn't know what the title of that album actually meant. And she sits down because, "Jay, I need to talk to you about something." Oh good God, you know I thought I failed my math test again. She goes, "One day, you're gonna start bleeding in your panties. There are pads under the bathroom sink. If you have any questions, ask your sisters." And that was it. For a long time, my sisters didn't teach me how to tie my shoe, so I wasn't going to ask them about anything.

The Awkward College Years

But my parents also didn't give me the sex talk until I went to college. Now, I went to the same college my dad taught at, and so everyone started looking at me and be like, "Oh, you're Dr. Dale's kid. We can expect great things from you." I would look at them and be like, "My dad has a medical doctorate and teaches Anatomy to entry-level people at a community college, but please keep looking at me like I'm Harry Potter holding a wand."

My dad was a really, really great teacher, probably because he's a DO and not an MD. I hear they're better teachers. Maybe I'm biased, but I was in a completely different department, and so I avoided him like the plague. But I had to take one anatomy class, which is incredibly unfortunate. All of my classmates decided they were going to stay up until midnight like my dad was some sort of midnight premiere of "50 Shades of Gray." My dad looks like Santa Claus. It was a very different kind of anatomy class.

I stayed up till like 7 PM that night and went to bed just so I could get into the other anatomy class. And I ended up in an anatomy class with a bunch of paramedics. I don't know if you know anything about student paramedics, but it's a bunch of, like, 18 to 30-year-old really hypersexual males. Having an anatomy class with them was fun, but it wasn't with my dad. So, everything was good until my dad subbed for that class.

A Talk You Don't Want Your Dad to Give

He walks into the room, goes, "Gentlemen, this is my daughter. Today we're going to teach her how babies are made." If there was one lecture for that entire 16 weeks that you don't want your dad teaching when they haven't had a sex talk with you and you're a virgin, it's that one. He looks at me and goes, "When a mommy likes a daddy, there's a special hug." And this is what I did. Why is this happening? I think I blacked out. The only thing I remember from that entire class was my dad drawing a sperm on the backboard. Okay, the sperm was called Bob, he wore a top hat and a bow tie. I don't remember why, I think he was trying to teach us the different parts of the sperm. But in my head, I'm thinking, does he want me to go after really nice men that have top hats and a bow tie? Because my dad owns neither of those things. And he ended the lecture with, "And that is why Jay is so goddamn ugly." Oh well, Dad live streaming this at home. It's genetics, I get it from you. Oh yeah.

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Closing Thoughts

Being the youngest child can come with its own set of challenges. From missed lessons to awkward talks, Jay Night has experienced it all. But through humor and wit, she's able to bring light to these moments and entertain the audience. The lessons she learned, or didn't learn, shaped her unique perspective on life. And even though her parents may not have been perfect, they provided plenty of memorable experiences. So, let's give it up for Jay Night, the youngest child who found humor in the chaos.