T**** Claims To Have America’S #1 Song | The Real Star Of The Gwyneth Paltrow Trial

Welcome back to "The Late Show" with your host, Stephen Colbert! It's March 27th, and we're back from our Spring Break. Did we miss anything? Any scandalous indictments or exciting adventures? Well, we're here to catch you up on all the latest news.

The former president's legal troubles

You might remember that in our previous episodes, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg was expected to bring charges against the former president for an alleged hush money payment to Stormy Daniels. It would have made him the first former president ever to be criminally indicted. The anticipation was high, but unfortunately, it didn't happen. Maybe next time, right?

In the meantime, the former president took to social media to rally his supporters and warn of potential death and destruction if he were to be arrested. It seems he wants a sequel to January 6th, complete with protests and violence. Oh boy, we really needed that, didn't we?

The J6 Choir and the top song on iTunes

Speaking of the former president, he recently held a rally in Waco, Texas, where the event began with the announcement of the "number one song on iTunes, Amazon, and the Billboard charts." It's called "Justice for All" and features Donald J. Trump and the J6 Choir.

Now, you might be thinking, who are the J6 Choir? Well, they are a group of inmates who participated in the January 6th riot. Yes, you heard that right. It's the hottest musical-prison crossover since Manson and Garfunkel. Who knew inmates had such talent for singing?

However, I must note that "Justice for All" is not actually the top song on streaming platforms or the real Billboard charts. It's just the top song that people are actually paying to download on iTunes. I guess their grandkids don't like them enough to help them set up Spotify. But hey, the former president keeps repeating the claim, so who are we to argue?

Governor Ron DeSantis and the rocket ship endorsement

The former president also took the time to talk about Governor Ron DeSantis and how he believes DeSantis owes him his career. According to the former president, DeSantis came to him, tears in his eyes, begging for his endorsement when he was almost nothing in the polls. Well, the former president gave it a shot, and apparently, DeSantis's career took off like a rocket ship. Or so he says.

Now, I don't know about you, but when I look at DeSantis, I don't see a rocket ship. I see a man who has the aerodynamics of a kegerator. Florida seems to be the place for interesting news, from alligators holding up tiki bars to parents complaining about a lesson on Michelangelo's David exposing their sixth-graders to pornography. Oh, Florida, you never fail to entertain us.

Gwyneth Paltrow's ski collision trial

Moving on from the political arena to the entertainment world, let's talk about Gwyneth Paltrow. The lifestyle guru is currently on trial in Utah for a skiing collision that occurred in 2016. A retired optometrist is suing her, claiming she plowed into him on a bunny hill and skied away.

Paltrow, on the other hand, is counter-suing, saying that the optometrist actually skied into her. It's a classic he-said-she-said situation, but one thing's for sure: Paltrow's reaction to the crash was priceless. When questioned about her furious and profanity-laden response, she unapologetically confirmed it. After all, she's the woman who sells candles called "This Smells Like My Vagina." So, let's not expect her to hold back.

In other courtroom news, a school principal in Tallahassee, Florida, resigned after parents complained that a lesson on Michelangelo's David exposed their sixth-graders to pornography. Apparently, some parents wanted to know in advance when the nudes would show up. Tasteful or not, they just needed to be prepared. Who knew renaissance art could be so scandalous?

Wrapping up the late-night news

And that's all the news we have for tonight, folks! From the former president's legal troubles to the J6 Choir's chart-topping "hit," and from Gwyneth Paltrow's ski collision trial to artistic disputes in Florida, the news never fails to surprise and entertain. Join us again next time for more late-night updates and amusing stories from around the world.

Until then, keep on laughing, questioning, and embracing the absurdity of it all. And remember, life is always more fascinating when you view it through the lens of a late-night show. Goodnight, and stay curious!